“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t utter.” – James Earl Jones
Note: This is something I wrote a few months ago that I decided to share. I’ve been doing better since the day I wrote this. I still have a long way to go, but I’ve come a long way.
The depression is back. I feel it. I’m walking around like a zombie. No facial expression and my eyes are looking so dim. In a room full of people, I sit by myself in isolation. I observe the laughter and conversation amongst me, but I feel no joy. I rub on my jeans as I take a huge sigh. I anticipate going home to be in solitude and sit in deep thoughts. I don’t have an appetite to eat anything. I stare at the clock on the wall counting down the hours and minutes before I clock out from work. A co-worker yells out to me, “put a smile on your face and look like you want to be here”, and she laughs. I give a fake grin and reply, “I’m sleepy”, as my right foot is shaking with anxiety and impatience.
Is there a coping mechanism for this? How does one beat such a detrimental feeling? I don’t even know anyone who I can have an open conversation with about my issues. I don’t know who to trust or who to open up to anymore. People scare me. They can be so questionable. I don’t know if they just want to know my business to have an insight on my life or if they are really there to listen and be there for my well-being. And sadly, I don’t even know if they’ll stick around as a friend after I open up to them. I talk to God but I like clarification that someone is listening. I’m not doubting God and his powerful mercies but I like verbal responses.
I feel lonely. I feel misunderstood. I feel defeated. I feel weak. I feel unlovable. I feel low. My patience is dying. My faith dwindles. My hopes, dreams, and aspirations become vague to me. But I know I am not defeated nor weak. If that was the case, I would’ve given up a very long time ago. The things that keep me going are the things that I’ve accomplished in life such as my career field, making decent money, being independent, paying my bills on time, and having a good amount of money saved up. If I hadn’t reach the milestones that I’ve reached in life, I’d probably be somewhere sprung out on heavy drugs. Thankfully, I’m slowly finding more things that I’m passionate about.