Well, look what I’ve discovered… another self-sabotage. This is really no stranger to me. I’m just trying to figure out, how is it that this occurs time and time again? It’s like one day I feel like I’m lucking up, then the next day I feel like I’m fuc…. never mind.
Although this is disappointing, I’m not going to let it get me off track of where I am trying to go in life. Instead, I’m going to use this as a lesson. This is going to be used as inspiration to continue working on myself. I won’t sacrifice my soulful needs for another person until I feel whole. As bad as I want to feel a deep and fulfilling connection, I know I have to feel that with myself before I feel it with anyone else.
This is not always an easy task. It’s hard to connect with yourself after you’ve went through so many changes over the past few years. One moment you feel like you fully know yourself, and the next moment you feel like you’re not even the same person that you were a few weeks ago. You then question everything such as your values, self-worth, and spiritual beliefs to only find out that you’re still on a journey of self-discovery that doesn’t end over night.
This is just a reminder that there’s still more soul searching that needs to be done on my end. There’s still some healing that I need to do. I still have to fully grasp the art of self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others. Until these things happen, I’ll always subconsciously self-sabotage any relationship that comes my way. This is sad, but it’s my reality that I’m working through.
I know I want to be genuinely happy, but right now it’s best for me to find my happiness without the distractions of others. It’s best to focus on my needs and wants, and less of others needs and want. I’ve never been the type to shut others completely out, but right now I feel this is my only option. I know that one day, I’ll finally be able to really experience everything that I truly desire, until then I have to do what’s best for me.
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