I have to learn how to stop focusing on the future so much. It’s robbing me from relishing the present moment. Whenever I feel myself beginning to open up, I start creating different images and situations in my mind that never even happened.
I get fearful and anxious. I start to fret about whether things will be good or bad. I constantly over analyze and overthink on how things will end? Will I be the one to end things? Or will I be the one to get hurt? And then subconsciously, I act on it. Yes, I self sabotage. And maybe my self-sabotaging antics are really conscious actions since I’m calling myself out.
This past weekend was amazing. I felt like the man who I once was. The man who enjoys looking good, and spending time outside of the house, while being surrounded by good energies and vibes. But sadly, I’m still in the process of learning how to exude the same energy. I know I have great vibes to me, but I’ve become somewhat apprehensive in allowing people to experience it.
It’s like I hold back. And the more I hold back, the more I feel imprisoned. I’m still trying to understand myself and figure out what exactly am I afraid of. Could it be the fear of being judged? Or maybe it’s the fear of abandonment? Whatever it is, I need it to just dissolve.
Deep down, I want to feel whole, but I’m only giving half of me. That’s probably why I’m only feeling halfway satisfied throughout all of my experiences.
I have to learn to be open to building and sustaining new relationships. I have to fully let go of past hurt and disappointments. I have to be willing to give life my all again. I have to embrace the fact that I am not the same person I was before, and that evolving and growing is essential. Believe me, I’ve come a very long way. It’s just that I wish I was much further along on this journey. I aspire to be open to love. Not only from a romantic aspect, but more so from the perspective of the universal law.
To receive love, you have to give love. There’s no other way around it. You have to give love wholeheartedly and not just in small doses. You have to be open and accepting to the fact that it may hurt one day. But, don’t let the thought of being hurt stop you from experiencing real, true, and genuine love. Stop holding yourself back and delve deep into love. It’s really the most beautiful thing in the world.
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